The interesting thing for me, is how superficially the character of Andrew has been viewed, but I guess it’s one of those things that if you haven’t grown up in a violent situation, you can’t understand what it does to you.

For me, having lived through a version of what his home life was like, I thought that the arc of his character was both honest and compelling. The people who only get out him that he figured out that he could use his powers for evil obviously missed the significance behind his desire to go to Tibet because of the monk’s ability to be so peaceful.

When you live in an environment where you always have to be prepared to get beat on, the idea of being able to simply be in a still and unthreatened state is an amazing and seemingly unreachable state. It wasn’t Tibetan monks for me, but I always held a certain fascination with people who lived peacefully or even knew what it was like to feel safe and I’m sure I’m not the only one.

The thing is though, to get there, the abused has to manage to make it through the period where they understand the unique training they have acquired and realize that all that fury beat into them can be unleashed. When you grow up getting beat for no reason, ideas of deserving don’t factor in.

Combine that, with an either limited or complete lack of knowing how to be loved, liked or cared for and you get something not unlike how Andrew behaved in the movie when his friend and his cousin reached out to him, but he couldn’t believe their truth over the lies he was taught about himself at home. It was very easy for him to believe that no one really cared for him and when you’re alone like that, the notion of being an ‘Apex Predator’ is attractive.

Psychologically, it means that in a world that only seeks to keep him a victim, he has the means to survive the worst it has to offer. In the movie, Andrew has an adept use of telekinesis, in real life, you have children with guns, bombs and other equalizers to show once and for all, who is predator and who is prey.

To get past that point, without taking the lives of others and/or continuing a cycle of abuse, a huge amount of work is required and among the skills needed are the ability to accept love and happiness without waiting for everything to fall down into the hell you’ve come to expect from life. It’s a huge thing to do and only made harder because for normal people, it isn’t such a foreign concept. Like with most people’s interpretation of Andrew’s character, they just don’t see the clues that seem so apparent when you’ve been there. This leads to misunderstandings and accusations that the abused is simply weird, when in reality, they are merely underdeveloped socially because of an environment they didn’t choose.

Chronicle serves as an excellent character study in that regard.

Beyond that though, for me, on a level I didn’t realize until writing this, there was a sense of managing to escape becoming the predator I was taught to be and avoiding the kind of life that path would have brought me. It was no small or easy thing to do.

With that said, have you recently taken a moment to appreciate what you’ve overcome in life? I mean giving yourself credit for what you’ve persevered through irregardless of whether it seems to have been easier or harder than those around you.

If not, how about now?

I’m not going to pretend that these things don’t help, but have you thought about how they help? Why they work?

In most cases, what these things are really giving you is permission to feel sexy. They offer up a kind of placebo effect that gives you the one thing every sexy person in the world has:

CONFIDENCE.

Pure and simple. That’s the one common thread amongst every single sexy person on the planet. And if you can manage to either possess confidence or give off a believable appearance of confidence, you would be amazed at how much it can override the things you think you have against you.

Yes, going to the gym, getting a better job and/or buying a nicer wardrobe are all worthy additions to the cause, but you have to learn how to believe in yourself whether you have those things in place or not. Frankly, even if you have those things going for you, you’re a circumstance away from them being lost. Then what?

Ultimately, it’s being comfortable with who you are that will make you hot.

If you’re starting from zero in the self confidence game, it isn’t an overnight fix to get there. But it can be done and doesn’t necessarily require a ‘makeover’. Depending on where you are starting from, you may only need to tweak a few things.

So, where to start? (And this is just a start…)

Begin with your attitude about yourself, because not matter what you do, this is the foundation of your confidence. That said, now is the time to begin exercising ‘self-compassion’. This means:

being warm and kind to yourself, especially during the times you fall short of your goals (or can’t get the attention you want from the person you want).

recognizing that suffering rejection and failures is a part of life. True. Some people may appear to deal with failure less than you, but even if that’s the case, doesn’t that make you more deserving of kindness?

being mindful of your emotions and not suppressing or exaggerating negative feelings or emotions. When things go bad, you don’t have to put on a fake smile and ‘ride it out’. Call up a confidante, and VENT. Even if a good verbal spill about what just happened doesn’t change your circumstances, it still has a lot of power towards genuinely cheering you up when you don’t hold back. Speaking from experience, sometimes the creative use of negative language can result in bouts of extreme laughter.

After extending self-compassion towards yourself, the next thing you need to do is realize that if a person is feeling your vibe, you don’t have to be perfect. All kinds of shortcomings get overlooked when we’re attracted to a person, and you know this, because we all do the same thing when we’re in to a person. You overlook things, I do, and your admirers will too.

That isn’t to say you shouldn’t put your best foot forward i.e. wearing clothes you know you look good in and making good use of your talents and skills. Shine in the ways you know you can and build yourself up from there.

But what if the person you want to notice you, doesn’t?

Well, then it’s your job to know what they’re missing and how good they could have had it and move on…with confidence.

Related Posts:

How To Survive Shortcomings Without Beating Yourself Up

Confidantes. Traits of the Good Ones.

Elevate Yourself Using Emotional Triggers

When dating, there’s no way around it.

I know, it get’s harder to do each time someone burns you and you don’t know how much more you can take without being someone you don’t want to be.

I’ve been there and through a great deal of work, figured out a few steps that allows you to show the type of vulnerability that builds genuine trust into meaningful relationships while protecting yourself.

Before you start getting all confessional though, qualify the person. That means…

Know Your Deal-breakers, But Don’t Reveal Them

You want to be able to walk into any date knowing what you will and will not tolerate. I’ve probably said this before and I’ll probably say it again.

It’s that important!

Once you start to get to know the person, you may find that you relax some of your criteria and that’s natural. The closer you get to a person, the more you’ll put up with from them, but up front, you should have an idea of where you draw the line on certain behaviors and habits.

Be Calm, Don’t Judge

Allow the other person to simply be themselves without feeling like you’re judging them. When someone feels free to act ‘at home’ around you, you find out who they really are much quicker. Plus, if it turns out that you both have a lot in common, your relationship finds deeper meaning much more quickly.

If the other person is annoying. Allow them to be, knowing you can choose to never go out with that person again. Ever.

The thing is, none of us are going to get along with everyone and that’s okay.

All you’re trying to do is see if you and that person can get along well enough for you to open up at some point.

Don’t Allow the Person to Judge You

If a person has an opinion about you or what you do, that’s fine. They’re entitled to it. By saying that, I’m not saying that their opinion will always be valid, educated or in touch with reality at all.

It’s up to you to know the difference.

That may mean that there is some personal work that you need to do on your own before you begin opening up your vulnerabilities to new people.

You need to be in a place where you define yourself and have your own ideas about how smart you are, good you look and so on and so on for all the things we like to beat ourselves up about. From that place, you should be able to blow off the types of mean things a person may say about you when you don’t meet their expectations.

For instance, when I was dating, the woman was always free to tell me that playing music was childish or that I was kidding myself or whatever. If she didn’t respect what I was doing, especially without hearing anything, I didn’t view it as a judgment on what I was doing. All she did was politely cross her name off my list. Then we’d never date again.

It wasn’t that I took offense necessarily, I just knew that there was no realistic way I could be close to someone I was forever trying to prove something to.

And that’s how it should be for you. Someone think you aren’t very intelligent? Cross them off the list. Too fat. Off the list. Not mature enough? Off the list. You get the picture.

Listen

Don’t be in a hurry to talk all about yourself. You get to know a person by allowing them to reveal themselves to you, so give them every opportunity. So, if it’s time to switch topics, ask the person’s opinion before giving your own when you can, but don’t be shy about giving it when it’s your turn to talk.

Which brings us to the flip side of all the advice so far…

Be Yourself

By this, I mean:

Don’t hide your intellect. Don’t go overboard to show off, but don’t pretend to be stupid when you aren’t.

Don’t pretend that you have a better car than you do, nicer house/apartment than you do, better job and so on. If you don’t meet their expectations, even if you like them. Get over it and let them move on.

By prolonging a relationship with someone who requires that you have more than you do, all you do is set yourself up for the destruction of your self-esteem and you deserve better than that.

Besides, you might miss the person who would bask in your radiance while pissing around with an idiot that takes you for granted. Wouldn’t it suck to be that person, even if you never knew it.

I Thought This Was About Being Vulnerable

And it is. But all of the above is to filter out the obvious jerks. It’s easier to be vulnerable to a person once they’ve gone a ways towards earning your trust.

It’s also safer for you.

And we move on…

Express Yourself Without Offering Potential Weapons

For example, on this blog I’ve talked about being abused as a child and offered my insecurities about things in various posts, but I’ve never given anyone anything they can use to hurt me in any significant way.

If one of my Haters decided to say something about what happened to me as a child, I’m far enough past it, that they really couldn’t hurt my feelings with it. The same goes for any of the insecurities I’ve expressed on here.

You want to be in that place with any parts of yourself that you offer to a person. If you’re not sure what is acceptable to share at first, then consider the things you shouldn’t share.

Any thing that someone has used to tear you down with in the past or that you have a fear someone will tear you down with in the future is off limits.

DO. NOT. SHARE. THESE. THINGS.

As you get to know the person, then you can make educated judgments on how they may behave towards you after learning certain things about you.

When in doubt. Keep the secret.

Don’t Feel Obligated

If the other person shared something huge with you. That’s nice.

They trust you.

That doesn’t mean you are obligated to trust them. You don’t have to match a person tit for tat.Take your time and allow them to earn your trust with how they use the information you give them. Not how you use the information they give you.

Read the above paragraph again. Know the difference.

Be Understanding

But you’re the one being vulnerable, right?

Yes, but you have to understand that when you have no control or right to control how a person may react or feel about what you tell them.

There is always the potential that you may share some thing that means the world to you and the other person will shrug their shoulders and say unenthusiastically “Cool.” or offer up a “That sucks.” and appear to be done with the conversation.

This doesn’t necessarily make the person an ass. It might be that they didn’t know how to comfort you or support you at that moment. Or what you told the person may have triggered something in them that they aren’t ready to share yet.

Communicate with that person to find out what the case is before you tear them a new one over the situation.

Keep the Faith

It can be hard knowing who to trust and when, but that’s no reason to feel like you’ll never find anyone worth opening up to.

If you use the filters mentioned above as an initial safeguard and then applying the remaining techniques, you stand a good chance to weed out the losers and find someone that will protect your vulnerabilities rather than use them against you.

What are your thoughts?

They act as a sounding board, listen to and give you an outside perspective on your problems and the really good ones help you along on your journey to becoming the person you want to be.

But, how do you find the good ones?

Here are some things to consider before opening up your deep and meaningful secrets to someone.

What to Look For…

Empathy

If your confidante hasn’t been through what you endured, you want the person to at least acknowledge that the pain you feel is legitimate and warranted.

The person needs to understand that there are some things you don’t “just get over” and support you on this. Particularly, during the times when you think you should just get over it, and we all have those moments regardless of the tragedy suffered.

A Non-Competitive Attitude

There is no healing when your confidante is attempting to out-do your experience with replies like “that’s nothing, I went through…”.

Living the harder life is not a bragging point.

If your goal is to have a healthy emotional life, dwelling on the negative and competing on who had things worse won’t get you there, so find someone who is willing to listen to your hardships without the need to minimize your pain.

A Respect For Your Privacy

The person has to be able to keep your secret until you are ready to bring others into the conversation. As with any relationship, the level of trust here needs to develop over time.

Don’t assume because a person seems nice, that they won’t tell others what you’ve revealed. Give it time and allow the person to gain your trust with smaller, less significant details before offering up the ones that can hurt you.

What Won’t Help You

Pity

It can become a trap having a confidante who constantly coddles you because you were damaged in some way. That kind of attention often feels real nice when your problem involves neglect. The problem is, you stay a victim.

Yes, you want empathy, as mentioned above. You don’t want that empathy to turn into a relationship that is all about ‘poor you’. The close relative to pity is another thing you don’t want in a confidante, and that’s…

Enabling

It’s great to have people around who understand that you’ve survived something significant, but there has to be accountability.

It doesn’t help you (or those around you) to have someone who allows you to be abusive simply because you were abused. You can choose a different path and to do this, you want people around you who will encourage you on this journey. Sometimes that encouragement will be them telling you that you’re being an idiot. That’s part of the process, but you become a better person for it.

It Isn’t Easy With New Confidantes

Even though I’ve been pretty successful in surrounding myself with people who are accepting of who I am after what I’ve been through, I still carry a good amount of anxiety when I first let someone new into that part of my life.

There’s no way to predict how things will turn with any given person. Some relationships fail in horrible fashion, some take on a deeper significance, others continue with no identifiable change.

The trick that I haven’t entirely mastered, is to keep my expectations regarding their reaction open and not to project on potential outcomes. You may be better at that than me, but if you have the same problem, you’re not alone.

Some amount of courage will always be necessary to share your story because there will always be someone waiting to tear you down. All you can do is attempt to first weed those people out and continue to build up your internal dialogue so that you aren’t as affected when people can not or will not relate to you.

If you keep at it, in time, you can get that internal dialogue where those that don’t accept you don’t bother so much, if at all. But in the beginning though, finding the right confidante to reflect back onto you the person you are striving to be is an important step worth taking.

What things have you found worth looking for or avoiding when searching for a confidante? Comment below.

The trick is to know when it isn’t going to serve your best interests. The trouble is, you never really know if it will, until the advice isn’t taken.

So, if you can’t know until you commit one way or the other, how do you hedge your bets?

Well, three weeks ago, I was faced with either doing the ‘smart’ thing or taking a chance on the right thing.

Here’s the process I took…

The Offer

I was offered a chance to contribute to the Poets On Site chapbook and cell phone audio tour based on Pacific Asia Museum’s “40 Years of Building the Pacific Asia Museum Collection”.

Conventional wisdom dictated that I pass. I was getting close to my pre-launch phase of my Book/CD project Like Clutching Faith, that is long overdue and when combined with the two week vacation I had planned during August, every spare moment not dedicated towards Faith was filling me with guilt.

Above and beyond all that, being part of the Pacific Asia Museum project doesn’t feed into any of the promotional aspects of  Like Clutching Faith. They are completely unrelated, so there was no ‘business’ reason for being a part the museum project.

But the smart thing is sometimes too narrow in its focus, so I took a look at…

The Big Picture

I’ll warn you now, I don’t do lists. Not my thing. I see it work for others, so if that’s the way you step back from an issue and take it all in, GREAT! Do that!

However you handle it, what you want is the secondary and perhaps even tertiary aspects of the situation to filter the light you’re shining on this decision. When you do this, you take a longer view of how the outcome might affect more areas of your life and perhaps the lives of others, depending on the decision you have to make.

The way I handled it for me, was to take a measure of some of the feelings that have been bubbling beneath the surface for me in recent months and if doing the museum project would deal with any of them. The ones that stuck out the most were:

While I enjoy (and actually recharge while) being alone, it’s nice to create within a larger community on occasion. Meeting some of the other poets at the museum and spending some time with them after my writing sessions would be a welcome change from the solitude that has been the tone for most of the creation of Faith.

I haven’t written much poetry lately and part of me has been wondering in the past few months if I simply lost it. While some of my lyrics aren’t too far away from poetry, my process for both are remarkably different and I wasn’t so sure I could create something that wasn’t ‘obvious’ and that screamed “HACK!”.

That was enough for me to move to the next stage and consider the…

The Challenges the ‘Right’ Thing Brings

First off, there was the time crunch. Remember, I was out of practice with this whole poetry writing thing and after a lot of figuring, I was able to plan and allot EXACTLY two days after work and between errands giving me one and a half hours each day to visit the museum, write something that didn’t suck and present it face to face with friends who are ridiculously talented.

NOT MY IDEA OF IDEAL!

I should also mention that deep breathing and meditation and/or any other sort of ‘calm me down quick and decisively’ form of mental prowess is like “using lists” for me. I know people recommend it and I see it work for others, but I just don’t care enough to try it.

So I knew I was going to the museum to write poetry while in the midst of a mental torrent of all the things I still needed to do and places I needed to go that I was too contrary to make a list of.

NOTE: While doing this exercise, either change or accept your flaws and work with how they will affect your ability to succeed. One or the other. Your choice.

So, like I said, I’m contrary. What’s a few issues to deal with, right? I decided to do it! But what happens if I really do suck now and the words only come in a manner that makes people want to point and laugh at me?

Yeah. At some point I had to consider…

What Is There To Lose?

Well, my self respect for one thing. It’s one thing to suck in private, but this was a rather more public arena for me to drop my proverbial trousers around my ankles creatively. I only agree to do things that are a big deal to me, so there was no way I was going to take any failure lightly.

Okay, that was the only real thing I’d lose. But me being me. That was enough of a drawback!

You will have to decide for yourself how big a deal any part of this equation is to you and frankly, it’s best to keep your own council. You don’t need to be swayed by what others think is important when the ‘Thing’ you’re trying to figure out is a personal one.

No one is going to really know how deeply you may feel about a particular aspect of it and no one is in a position to judge why this part of the whole deal is so much more important than another part of it.

So. On that note, I will leave you with this…

How It All Turned Out.

First off, I got to see and catch up briefly with some friends I haven’t seen in too long. So that part was great except for me having to pay too much attention to the time so I could make my next errand before stores closed.

As I suspected, what I wrote those two days would be all that I would contribute to the project. Of the three poems I squeaked out, two are part of the cell phone audio tour for the museum, all poems from the tour (including those by other poets) are accompanied by Rick Wilson on traditional flutes from the respective regions the museum piece originated from.

You can hear them by calling: 626-628-9690 then entering the three digit code below then the # sign.

“Binding Shoes Poem” followed by poems from Taura Scott and Nora DeMuth: 463#

“Eagle to a Snow Storm” after a poem by Sharon Hawley with a poem by M. Kei as voiced by Just Kibbe following: 415#

To read the poems, I have put them all on a single page here.

Leave insights, corrections and whatnot below. As always, I love to hear from ya.

So, I’m readdressing the question here and now, but first, with some perspective on creativity and the psychology of pain as I know it some of the questions up front that my answer would provoke.

Succinctly put, I’ve been that person, who in the midst of fighting my own circumstances, penned such fully believed missives as…

My demons will kill me before they are exorcised.
My dreams will kill me before they are realized…

while living a hyper-emotional existence where everything was felt with such a force that the creative and physical expression it demanded merely acted as pressure release valves, giving a brief sense of normalcy while the tension, immediately, began building back up.

Put in civil terms, even without drugs to amplify the effects, there is an intoxication that accompanies the release of this energy and it can easily be as dark as it can sexy. When approached with wonder and surrendered to with abandon, it’s a visceral experience like no other you’ll be able to engage in legally while in public.

The creative element, the part where deeply felt, often unspoken emotions surface and find their reflections in an audience pulls the entire affair into strange new directions and AMPLIFIES EVERYTHING…

including the bite of the whips
your demons are using to drive you.

And it’s all celebrated…

Because how many people commit this hard to their art?

Invest so much of themselves for the entertainment of others?

For instance, even amongst past band mates during my Teragin Mist days, the ferocity that I put into performing songs became a running joke and point of pride because if I didn’t have enough real estate to move around and disperse my energy, it concentrated in my pick hand and I inevitably broke guitar strings.
This was during closed rehearsals.

After the band broke up and I started releasing music solo, as positive feedback rolled back in, my identity began to take on the shape of how others interpreted my art and its expression in subtle ways.

The connection with those that “got it” took on special significance in light of those that didn’t and some of the experiences with their reaction to me in person as they lauded the things that haunted me were encouragement to remain tortured with exaggerated mood swings.

For a brief period I bought into it until my disgust with what happened to my creativity during that period caused me to return to me defining me and my cause by myself. I can see though, where my behavior would have become increasingly more erratic and self destructive if I had kept listening to certain people.

Though only on a local level, the process sometimes felt otherworldly, I prefer not to imagine the strength of the pull if I were likely to be recognized most anywhere in the world and have my pain reveled in that way.

When I see artists I feel are fiercely pure and honest in their expression, I root for them. Even if, (No, I’m not talking about Amy.), I don’t like their art. Because it’s true.

How many give so much of themselves for the entertainment and edification of others?

That’s why, no matter the level of stature, when I see true artists (as opposed to people who just want to be rich and famous) lose the battle with their personal brands of madness and bury themselves, it’s not just tragic…

It’s a little like losing a comrade.

Before you reach it, people tell you that you have time and shouldn’t get serious with anyone. That you should have fun.

Then with no apparent transition, you cross this imaginary line in their minds and you are accosted with questions of “what’s wrong with you that no one wants to keep you”.

For anyone who is oriented towards long term relationships but hasn’t found the right person yet, suddenly internal frustrations are amplified by external pressure and allegedly helpful advice that usually leans in the direction of settling for the first descent prospect that comes along.

After crossing that line myself, one family member told me that I would be the laughing stock of the family if I were to go through with my plan to break up with my girlfriend.

Why? Because she had a Master’s Degree.

While the first year together was fine, my family member wasn’t considering that we had spent the six months since, growing further and further apart and had gotten to the point that almost every single conversation we had resulted in a fight.

My family member also didn’t consider that this was the case after I had gone along with her idea to get couple’s counseling. Even with professional guidance we kept navigating our proverbial boat into the rocks. We had reached the point where it was obvious that it wasn’t anyone’s fault, we just weren’t any good for each other anymore.

Still, because of something as arbitrary (at least in regards to how we got along) as a formal education,  I was expected to stay in a relationship where the both of us were settling and not at all pleased with what we were getting.

That was when the notion of the Consolation Prize really took form for me. Because when you think about it, when you settle for less than what you want out of a relationship, that’s what you wind up with—a token connection whose only real value oftentimes is it being better than nothing. (Even though in reality it isn’t.)

Then we wonder why it fails.

Yes, certain compromises have to be made in any long term relationship. But you do have to consider what parts of you are too important to cleave away and which ones it’s best to outgrow anyhow.

For instance, I was dating this one woman who was incredibly intent on being ‘grown up’. So much so, that during our last date together, she told me that she stopped listening to rock music some years before because she had matured.

Okay, I’m going to ignore the obvious problem of me being a musician who writes and plays rock music and consider an issue that is equally important, but perhaps not the first thing that came to mind reading the previous paragraph.

My levity.

She wanted none of my silly, playful and arguably inappropriate humor.

Now, one of my conditions for marriage has always been that I wanted a house full of laughter. This is among the non-negotiable points. But this woman felt that she had advanced far enough past me on the food chain, that she didn’t think I would notice the subtle manipulations that indicated she was attempting to train me out of my wit.

There are those that would say that’s the way things are between men and women, especially husbands and wives. That may be true for some, but they could never make me believe that it had to be true for all. Not everyone enters a relationship looking to mold the other person into what they want. Some of us recognize that it’s easier to find someone with the qualities we’re looking for to begin with.

Put bluntly, there’s no point in being in a situation where you’re being asked to apologize for aspects of yourself that the right person for you would celebrate.

Make no mistake, that woman frowned up at the exact same types of jokes my wife laughs out loud over.

Turns out I didn’t have to make that compromise at all and if you’re being asked to give up a major part of yourself, it’s likely that you don’t either.

But you have to commit to the concept that you will neither accept or be accepted as the consolation prize.

Far easier said than done, I know.

In the process of holding out, there was the era of the Third Wheel, where, I was not only single, but I was the only person in my circle NOT MARRIED. Until I added some new additions to my crowd, almost every social activity involved couples and kids. It was during one of these adventures that I discovered the San Diego Zoo sold beer.

Then there were the moments where my loved ones made it quite embarrassingly clear that they felt I needed help, like when my grandmother told a very well proportioned friend of my sister’s that she should have sex with me so we could give her a grandchild. What made it even better was that she did it with me right there to enjoy the fascinating tangent to the conversation.

Yeah. Things can really suck for long stretches of time!

But the thing is, holding out for what you want, while hard, is worth it.

I felt that then, and it turned out I was right. The reason the previous relationships and dates failed was simply because on a foundational level, we were wrong for each other and perhaps we could have forced things to work for awhile, but I don’t think any one of those opportunities would have led to a happy life together.

You don’t have to figure everything out right now, but you do have to decide for yourself if you can muster the patience necessary to find a person who will compliment your ideal life.

To find the person you deserve, not who others think you should have by now.

Because anything less will only be a consolation prize and remember, they only give that to the losers.

Thoughts? Comment below.

We find all kinds of occasions to celebrate the hope they bring, from new years to new days, most of us fill our lives with the opportunity of change they promise.

But the problem with these harbingers of better things to come is that they are only as good as the lessons we’ve learned from our old endings.

The new beginning that taught me this happened going into my first year of high school. I had spent junior high with the school system telling me I was slow mentally and I was going to use high school to prove them wrong.

As a matter of fact, Mr. Benton, the Principal of my high school told my mom to her face how impressed he was with my intelligence within the first month of my freshman classes. Then the enthusiasm fell out of his voice and he continued “Of course, because of what Chris did, I’m still forced to suspend him from school for three days.”

My mom was sitting next to me in front of Mr. Benton’s desk taking in the odd mix of news she was getting about her son. Mr. Hand, the Art Teacher, who I upset, sat against the side wall, his scowl growing with each kind word heaved in my direction.

A slight upward curve formed on the side of his lips when the word suspension entered the conversation though.

Mr. Benton explained that normally, he would have levied a heavier punishment for a student writing a poem about a teacher on a school desk using the type of foul language I expressed, but since I had no prior history of these types of actions, he was giving me the benefit of the doubt.

After my suspension, I returned to class and my friend Jeff who sat next to me said that he knew I was in some kind of trouble when both me AND my desk disappeared from class.

I told him how they had locked the desk in a room until they could let my mom read the poem for herself.

I also told Jeff how Mr. Benton said he knew the kid who wrote it was smart because all the words were spelled correctly and that the student who snitched on me saw it because she was forced to stay after school and clean desks as punishment. “She wanted to share the misery.” I rationalized to Jeff.

Ultimately, I laughed off the whole thing with Jeff and maintained the air of the unaffected rebel, but inside, I felt lost and angry. I needed a ticket out of the hell of being in my family and I thought art would have provided it until I noticed I was getting nothing but poor grades on each of my projects in Mr. Hand’s class. When I saw other students getting better grades on what I felt were inferior projects, I stayed angry in that class until my anger manifested in a poem on a desk.

I had no intention of him ever actually seeing the poem. I also didn’t see myself confronting him directly about what was bothering me, but since we were both in Mr. Benton’s office and I was facing suspension, I confessed what provoked me. In his answer to my accusation, he admitted that he gave the other students better grades because he felt they tried harder on their projects.

I argued that I did try, but easy is easy, if an assignment didn’t challenge me, how much effort could I realistically put into it? I was used to drawing realistically proportioned animated characters with complicated drapery and he was punishing me for not taking 10 minutes to draw a cube like his allegedly more worthy students.

He was not swayed by my argument, even though it wasn’t exaggerated.

So, for a brief period, I attempted to subtly spend more time on what I felt were easy assignments without it appearing to my classmates that I cared all that much, but my grades were consistently coming back to me with Mr. Hand’s soft disapproval. Whatever I had been missing previously, was still eluding me and beginning to eat away at me as well.

I saw nothing left for me to do to right the situation.

So I turned my efforts into creating the most heinous artwork I could imagine while staying within the parameters of the lesson.

If he wanted to give me bad grades, I was gonna earn them.

This continued until sometime in the third quarter, when he assigned us a project using ‘color resist’. On a counter beside his desk, were stacks of white cardboard of varying sizes. We were each to pick a piece from the pile, draw anything we wanted on it, color it in crayon, show it to him for approval, then when he signed off on it, we were to apply black ink to the entire board allowing the wax from the crayon to ‘resist’ the ink for a unique full color etching type of effect.

He had me with the open nature of what I could draw. This was my first chance to create without restriction. This time it wasn’t for him though. This was for me. I felt I earned it.

We were given five days before the crayon colored board was due for approval. I spent two days picking up the leftover pieces of board and putting them back because they didn’t feel right. I was oblivious to the rest of the class.

When I finally found a rectangular piece that felt right, I produced a creation with truly clichéd subject matter for a 13 year old. At least on the surface.

What prompted my idea though, was something cut deep through my psyche.

After moving into my mom’s house in sixth grade, I had clear signs of post-traumatic stress disorder and she had so much guilt over what happened when I lived at my dad’s, she couldn’t bear to hear anything about what transpired there and she already blamed herself, so she didn’t want me going to a therapist for them to echo that sentiment.

I attempted to tell a couple of my sixth grade classmates, but their lives were so different, they couldn’t relate or understand and spent the rest of school recess mimicking getting beaten.

I had carried the weight of it all alone and unspoken ever since trying to make sense of everything I lived through.

The piece I gave Mr. Hand consisted of a laughing skull representing Death laughing over my slow and painful demise dominating the left hand side of the board and one skeletal hand reaching up on the right hand side above a stylized version of my name (me) being consumed in flames. In the background bolts of lightening flashed representing the fight I was still waging in an effort to not be destroyed.

I was not beaten yet. That picture was my testament.

When Mr. Hand looked at it. He refused to let me ink it and gave me an ‘A’ on the spot. Of the thirty students in the class, there were two other pieces along with mine that he declared to the class were already too perfect to do anything further with.

Mr. Hand understandably never liked me after the poem incident, and considering that I never told a soul what that picture represented prior to this post you’re reading now, I can only assume that it was the fire I put into that piece that registered with him.

It was the ending that taught me about unrelenting commitment and uncompromising purpose. Both were hallmarks of that creation.

It was also the finish that has colored every one of my ‘fresh starts’ since.

Comment below to share what ways your own old endings have informed your new beginnings.

Monday, I was talking to a friend whose kids were part of a Father’s Day celebration and for him, the whole thing was a magnification of what he was unable to provide for them as a single dad.

Last week, I was talking to another friend who was lamenting how she shortchanged her child by choosing a complete narcissist to marry and then divorce after his infidelity.

I listened to both of them and gave what specific realistic assurances I could based on what I know of their situations. But there is one thing, that as a foundation for decision making, applied to both.

There are certain choices that parents make that their kids will never forget.

It’s true that there will be many things they don’t have the capacity to understand yet. But they will take notice of more than you are aware and remember.

Then, as they experience life, they will periodically return to those points in time and eventually, they will discover a comprehension that defies every one of your failings to them real or imagined.

For instance?

When my parents divorced, my younger sister and older brother went to live with our mom. It was explained to me at the time that there wasn’t room for me there, so, of the three kids, I lived alone with our dad.

He was quick enough to anger, that I always exhibited a certain caution and paid close attention to the sounds he made around the house. By the age of 8, I had gotten good enough at interpreting them, that when needed, I could accurately calculate when I could slip from my room to the bathroom and back without accidentally crossing his path or inadvertently drawing his attention by the sound of a flushing toilet because there was no sound to mask it.

Of course, there was no recourse, when he came straight into my room one night. He sat on my bed and told me to sit next to him so we could talk. As I set the toys I was playing with down on the carpet, I listened for the television that he would normally be watching now.

It was quiet. This wasn’t going to be fast so he could return to his program. I searched his face, but there was no anger there.

I sat. I waited.

He struggled through a small speech about how sorry he was that he was doing this on his own and that he wanted to get me a mother. At the end of this admission, he asked which of his girlfriends I would like him to marry so she could be my new mom.

He often liked to play mental games, probing for you to give him the answer he wanted out of you, and then getting mad if you failed.

I considered this along with the answer I already knew even though I never considered this question a possibility before. I measured the different ways this could go and finally told him my one true choice.

Of them all, there was only one girlfriend I was ever excited over. Not only was she nice, SHE HAD KIDS I LIKED.

This was huge for me!

Even though starved for companionship, and suffering feelings that my mom and blood siblings had abandoned me, I still preferred isolation over having some of his girlfriends’ kids for playmates.

“Are you sure?” He asked me. Then he pressed a little harder as to why I chose who I did. As he took my decision to task, now, I could tell by the emotion laden tone in his voice and the crestfallen expression on his face that it was important that I be truthful here. He needed to know for certain who I wanted him to marry.

When he felt assured, there was a head nod and he left my room to go watch television. As excited as I was at the prospect of not being alone anymore, we never returned to that topic again.

If you know him, then you know monogamy is not really his thing. During that time period, my grandmother gave him condoms for one of his birthdays in case you need a finer edge on the point. I can say with a fair certainty marriage wouldn’t have been up for discussion with anyone it if he hadn’t been single parenting me.

A short amount of time later, who I chose, is the woman he married.

Now, I’m not saying that single parents need to go get hitched for the sake of their kid(s). This just happened to be the memory that came first when I sat down to write about a single landmark memory of something my dad did for me that I doubt he would think I remembered or ever came to understand the significance of.

Your story may involve college or the neighborhood you live in. The multiple jobs worked or any number of other choices that a child has to live enough life to comprehend.

For me, amidst the carnage he waged in my life, this stands as the single most pivotal act of kindness he showed me while also being the most easily glossed over or misunderstood.

As for the woman he married, to this day, decades and a divorce from my dad later, her and her children remain my family. I am forever grateful to have them in my life.

I say this for any parent that feels like your best might somehow not be enough. That your children will never really know how hard you fought through both triumph and failure on their behalf.

Please believe me when I say that it isn’t always about making the ‘right’ choices. That’s impossible to do.

The important thing is to make the ‘loving’ ones.

If you can do that, you might be amazed at the things your child will remember.

Agree or disagree? Comment below…

One of the hardest hammers to hit trust is cheating in that relationship.

But what do you look out for?

Well, here are five of the most oft repeated common sense indicators that this isn’t the guy you want to be exclusive with. At least the ones that I’ve personally witnessed around me.

I hope you can’t relate.

Almost a guarantee he’s cheating.

He cheated with you.

If he cheated with you, you can just about bet that he is, or will cheat on you.

But really, why would you think he wouldn’t ?

Because you’re prettier or more understanding than the one he was with? Because this time it’s real love?

Take if from a guy who isn’t trying to hook up with you, if he chose to sleep with you as opposed to working on or ending the ‘bad’ relationship, he’s already showing you how he behaves when things aren’t going well.

You must know your relationship with him will have some rough patches, right? What then?

If the relationship he left wasn’t in trouble, and he’s cheated with you, you can safely assume he has no plans on being monogamous with anyone. This includes you.

He’s always accusing you of cheating.

If you aren’t allowed to have male friends without him making remarks, or insists that he be around anytime you are with your male friends, then he’s most likely projecting his behavior on to you.

He thinks because he would take advantage of the opportunity, that you will too.

He wants you to stay on schedule.

If he is always keeping tabs on your whereabouts and gets angry whenever you deviate from the norm, in most cases, this is so he knows how long he has to be with other women and where he can safely rendezvous with them.

Maybe he’s cheating, maybe he’s not.

He’s a flirt.

It might mean something, but that’s pretty thin to base anything on if it’s only verbal.

I’ve known plenty of lewd men and women who’ll say all kinds of nasty things in jest, but have no interest in taking the matter any further.

If the flirtations involve inappropriate physical contact (pulling at clothes, sitting in laps, etc.), you might want to take notice and make it clear to the involved parties this bothers you.

Their reaction isn’t going to tell you much in reality because a good liar can fake a non-reaction and rationalize in a heartbeat. An innocent may overreact because of a psychological issue you aren’t yet aware of. Basically, all you can do here is see if they respect your feelings on the subject and change their behavior.

Then, trust your gut.

You’re hearing rumors that he’s cheating.

First thing you want to do here is find out how credible the information is.

Some questions to ask are:

Exactly who saw what, and when?
Is this person a reliable source?
How far down the chain are you from the person who actually witnessed something? (Did the person you hear it from hear it from a friend who heard it from their cousin who works with someone who saw him with another woman?)
Did they take pictures? If not, why, since most people have cameras in their cell phones now.

The sad fact is there is always the possibility that your relationship is fine, but someone around you has an agenda to break it up.

This isn’t to say that rumors are never true, but to encourage you to investigate the information’s authenticity before acting on it.

Wait! I’ve got one more.

You know, now that I think about it, there’s another clue that seems to be glossed over a lot about cheating. So here’s a sixth indicator that he might be cheating on you.

You always accuse him of cheating.

This isn’t to say it’s your fault, but if you constantly accuse a man of cheating, you run the risk that he will so that at least he’s guilty of the crime he’s being harassed about.

This goes for hacking into his email, searching his phone for elicit texts and any other invasion of his privacy. If you don’t trust him, communicate with him and attempt to resolve the deeper issues between you two.

If he refuses to have constructive conversations with you or if you flat out don’t and won’t trust him, leave him.

If you do decide to keep on him about cheating, a strong man who isn’t, will eventually dump you. A weak one though, like I just mentioned, is likely to eventually do as he’s accused and try not to actually get caught.

If you want to keep the relationship and think there may be an issue, communicating with him is about the only real choice you have to be happy.

Also, don’t forget that this behavior may encourage him to think you’re cheating and projecting your behavior on to him.

Women cheat too.

But I’m not a woman, so I can’t answer for them. If you’re a woman who would like to share, feel free to comment or answer in your own blog post and leave a link in a comment.

I’m sure there are some guys out there who would love to hear your take on this.

Related Posts:

Why You Don’t Understand What Happened On Your Date

How To Survive Shortcomings Without Beating Yourself Up